You Are Enough - Are You?

New Age Affirmations

The other day whilst in my favourite tearoom, musing over a cup of ‘Advent of Winter’ tea with my partner, I looked up as a rather large man in his late 30’s early 40’s lumbered in. It wasn’t his size that caught my attention but the sweatshirt that he was wearing. It called out to me triumphantly, with the statement emblazoned across its front, “You are enough”, a well worn new age affirmation, often employed as a mantra to foster self esteem. On the back of the sweatshirt was a further patronising slice of unsolicited information; “To the person standing behind me, the world is a better place with you in it; love the person in front of you”, it demanded.

What and who is the personality that would wear such a sweatshirt and what response do they hope to elicit? I found myself rather irked and resistant, which I am sure was not what was intended.

Sadly, I imagine that only someone with low self esteem or possibly a member of the ‘woke’ society would sport this slogan. Unfortunately, such affirmations do not appear to have achieved much for this individual. This person was very overweight and I would hazard a guess from his body language that he was rather depressed.

Let’s return to the message, ‘you are enough’; enough of what? And am I?

Early on in my psychotherapy training this meme was employed as an antidote to excessive perfectionism. Those of us who didn’t feel good enough, turned ourselves inside out to achieve or to be the best, to win love, gain approval or to be liked. We were driven, workaholic and often ruthless. We were perpetually dissatisfied and as a consequence, forever striving. As middle age hit it probably dawned on you as it did me, that we were exhausted, resentful and frustrated that we never quite enjoyed the glory or reward of the prize. We realised that we had spent our youth running hell for leather toward what? Yes toward death! Hopefully like me, you jammed on the brakes, sat down on a park bench and smelled the coffee, the flowers, the sky... You finally got the point that the report, the email, the house, the car, the kids, was in truth good enough and NOTHING remains perfect, if indeed it ever was or could be.

And let’s make no bones about it; there are many rewards for being driven, for going that extra mile. I bet you have an excellent reputation, people envy you and you’ve done very well in your career; you’re earning a fantastic salary of course; your home is stylish and your kids are a credit to you. But perfectionism is a tyrant, an ever critical master that can never be satisfied; a bully that beats you, persistently pecking at your head and not allowing you more than a minute of satisfaction because as soon as you’ve achieved one goal, perfectionism points you in the direction of another, and another, without pause, without passing go, without taking £200.

‘I am enough’, was not meant to be used as an apology or to coerce you into liking me or to excuse my bad behaviour, my victimhood, as clothing for the naked emperor or to be preached as a gospel by ‘wokists’, intolerant in their tolerance, who durst that thou ever challenge these facts. And to the sweatshirt, with its rather fatuous message, what if the person standing behind you is a rapist, a psychopath, a narcissist, a paedophile or one of the 1% who has no regard for human life; is the world better for having them in it?

The self righteous, pretentiously spiritual message perhaps was intended to foster tolerance, inclusivity and compassion. It seems to me in the modern era that compassion is confused with sympathy. Sympathy tends not to expect too much from you though; it gossips to its neighbour, whispering, “well she had a rum do you know, poor thing...” as they jointly shake their heads in pity for you. Yet you see though, if I feel sorry for you, I send a covert message that implies that there’s not much hope for you really. However, compassion by contrast, understands, acknowledges your suffering and agrees, “Hey, that was really rough”, but compassion also holds hope for you and after a while questions, “so, what’s next? What will you do now?” This is the difference and it’s an important difference. After many years of observing how individuals heal, grow and thrive, I have realised that having compassion and understanding for another and their struggles, is often not enough! We are compelled to take up the reigns of our lives and act, do or be the change that we so desperately desire. Having compassion for ourselves and others does not mean that we get a free pass to wallow too long in the mire of disappointment and resentment because in the end, we are all accountable for our own lives and what we make of them. An endless outpouring of compassion for you, might ease your pain temporarily but ultimately will not change your life, your past or your future.

We all know that some of the most challenged or oppressed individuals have achieved the most remarkable successes. We owe it to life and to ourselves to grasp the nettle and set the wheel of change in motion, expecting that it might move very slowly at first and that we might need help, all the while hoping that we can rise to the challenge. Inclusivity and tolerance do not preclude boundaries and should not seek to encourage our narcissistic tendencies.

Again I ask, “Are we enough? In what sense are we enough? And enough for whom?”

As for ‘loving the person in front of me’, I will apply discernment first, thank you.